


PacoWashington's Greatest Hits from His Almost Two Weeks on Tumblr

by PacoWashington (orphan_account)



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: But this is a Targ wank, Crack, Extreme Crack, F/M, I know that I did Stannis Dirty and he deserves better, POV Third Person Omniscient, Satire, chapter 3 has
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-14 08:09:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29664318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/PacoWashington
Summary: So, I managed to make it almost two weeks on Tumblr before I left. Fortunately, I was pretty productive during this time. Aside from writing an Epilogue to my multi-chapter fic, "Only Jon," I also wrote some jokes and dabbled in some crack. I've compiled them here, my parting gift to a fandom that I've enjoyed more than it has enjoyed me.
Relationships: Jon Snow/Daenerys Targaryen
Comments: 13
Kudos: 10





	1. 6 Short Cracks

**JON TRAVELS TO SEE DANY IN ESSOS**

**Dany** : Jon, if you’re going to be my lover, and possibly my husband and King, you need to start dressing better to match your new advanced station. 

**Jon** : What’s wrong with how I dress?

 **Dany** : [ _Stares blankly at him_ ]. So, I’ve taken the liberty of getting you some nice silks of multiple colors. 

**Jon** : I prefer black. 

**Dany** : Surely you can wear another color besides black, for me? [ _gives Jon a seductive stare_ ]

 **Jon** : Aye, I guess I could do gray if I had to.

 **Dany** : [ _huffs_ ] Jon, you’re not getting it. 

**Jon** : You’re one to talk about clothes. Your teats are hanging out for the whole world to see!

 **Dany** : Gods, you’re such a northern prude. And it’s “teat” singular. If both my teats were hanging out, that would be unseemly. 

**Jon** : [ _stares blankly_ ]

**THE KING IN THE NORTH FIGHTS DIRTY**

**Dany** : Bend the knee.

 **Jon** : No.

 **Dany** : I have dragons.

 **Jon** : I have a direwolf.

 **Dany** : Dragons can kill a direwolf.

 **Jon** : [ _looking concerned_ ] But Ghost is a good boy?

 **Dany** : [ _looks at Ghost who is smiling and wagging his tail_ ] Uh, yes, I’m sure he is. [ _Ghost steps forward and nudges her with his head, causing Dany to absent-mindedly begin to pet him, then she catches herself and sighs_ ] I didn’t mean my dragons would actually kill him. I just meant … hypothetically … they would be capable of doing so, but only if absolutely necessary … [ _Ghost looks at her with his big red eyes and begins to whimper because she stopped petting him, so she resumes_ ] I’m not a monster. I’m not my father.

 **Jon** : [ _smiling_ ] Aye, you’re not your father.

 **Dany** : [ _looking hopeful _] So, you’ll bend the knee, then?__

____

**Jon** : No.

____

**Dany** : Seven hells!

____

____

**LOVE TRUMPS ALL**

____

**Q** : What do Jon Snow and Donald Trump have in common?

____

**A** : Birds played a role in their elections. ( _Though Jon never ravened at 3am that I’m aware of?_ )

____

**Q** : What do Dany and Trump have in common?

____

**A** : They both enjoy the taste of crow. 

____

____

**PIPE DREAM**

____

**Q** : What ASOIAF character would be the most enhanced if pipes were as common in the ASOIAF universe as they are in the LOTR universe?

____

**A** : Tyrion

____

**Tyrion** : [ _sitting and puffing away vigorously on his pipe as he reads a book about vinification_ ]

____

**Cersei** : [ _bursts in_ ] Any man heard speaking of incest or calling Joff a bastard should lose his tongue for it!

____

**Tyrion** : [ _sighs, removes pipe, and looks at Cersei_ ] A folly. When you tear out a man’s tongue, you are not proving him a liar, you’re only telling the world that you fear what he might say. [ _raises his pipe towards Cersei, smirks, and then commences puffing away and reading_ ]

____

**Cersei** : [ _shrieks and rips the pipe from Tyrion’s mouth, breaks it on the table, and storms out_ ]

____

**Tyrion** : Frankly, I don’t see what Moon Boy sees in her. 

____

____

**EDD THE UNSELFISH**

____

**Dolorous Edd** : So, it turns out you’re a secret Targaryen prince?

____

**Jon Snow** : Aye. 

____

**Edd** : And you’re still King in the North because of Robb’s will and because the remaining Starks support you?

____

**Jon** : Aye. 

____

**Edd** : And you’re about to travel to Dragonstone to seek an alliance with the Dragon Queen?

____

**Jon** : [ _nods_ ] 

__******** _ _

__******** _ _

**Edd** : [ _sighs_ ] I’ll do it. 

____

**Jon** : Do what?

____

**Edd** : Marry her. I’ll do whatever it takes to get her on our side so we can survive what is coming.

____

**Jon** : You’re a good man, Eddison Tollett. We don’t deserve you. 

____

**Edd** : [ _nods and peers into the distance_ ] I know. 

____

____

**DANY KNOWS WHAT'S UP**

____

**Rhaegar** : I’m sorry I couldn’t find you any blue winter roses for Valentine’s Day.

____

**Lyanna** : It’s ok, I really liked the red ones you got me. [ _stands on tippy toes to give Rhaegar a kiss on the cheek_ ]

____

**Dany** : [ _in the middle of eating a peach_ ] Next year, you should really try the Wall-Mart. The flowers there smell really sweet, [ _furrows brow_ ] though you might have to thaw them out first [ _looks at peach, takes another bite_ ]. 

____

**Rhaegar and Lyanna** : [ _stare blankly_ ]

____

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus Crack: So, I like to imagine that there was this Ironborn version of Lin-Manuel Miranda who got wind of the Greyjoy Rebellion plans and wrote this epic rap musical assuming they would win. Victarion Greyjoy would be Alexander Hamilton, Balon Greyjoy would be George Washington, Robert Baratheon would be King George III, etc. It would've been enTHRALLing. But, because of the Siege of Pyke, Planetos would have to wait another few thousand years for the invention of rap. Sad.


	2. Medium Crack

**JON SNOW is "CINDER-FELLA"**

**The Wall (Mid-day)**

**Dolorous Edd** : Lord Commander, I just received a raven from Queen Daenerys Targaryen. It’s a royal decree instructing the men of the Night’s Watch to come to King’s Landing. 

**Jon Snow** : What for?

**Edd** : [ _hesitant_ ] To . . . have their faces cast in shadow so the Queen can determine if one of them is the man from her dreams. 

**Jon** : Seven fuckin’ hells, we don’t have time for this nonsense! We have thousands of Freefolk coming through the Wall in a few days, not to mention the army of the dead. Who is gonna guard the Wall?

**Edd** : The Queen anticipated this concern, so she only requires that the . . . good looking . . . men travel south.

**Jon** : [ _stares blankly_ ] So, what, Satin? [ _laughs_ ] Gods, she’s madder than her father, but we can spare to be without Satin for a month or two. 

**Edd** : [ _clears throat_ ] Well, and maybe, I mean, you . . . 

**Jon** : What? What are you . . . are you saying that I’m good looking?

**Edd** : [ _sighs_ ] Well, you’re not bad looking, which makes you good looking, at least for us. And it’d look bad if we just sent one person. It’d be like we weren’t taking the royal decree seriously. But with two people . . . 

**Jon** : We don’t have to take the decree seriously because she doesn’t have jurisdiction over the Night’s Watch! And she obviously doesn’t take _our_ problems seriously, anyways. [ _scowls_ ]

**Edd** : Tyrion Lannister, the Hand of the Queen, thought you might say that. And he is aware of the ravens we’ve sent about the army of the dead. So, to provide further incentive to obey the decree, he says that if someone from the Night’s Watch turns out to be the man from Her Grace’s dreams, the Queen will send dragons to assist in our war against the dead. 

**Jon** : [furrows brow] Satin! 

**Satin** : [ _footsteps_ ] Yes?

**Jon** : We’re going to King’s Landing. And bring your comb, we need to make sure you look good for the Queen. 

**Throne Room (Night-time)**  


**Random man leaving** : Good luck. The Queen has been at this for months and has cast shadows over thousands of men and still hasn’t found her man. 

**Jon** : Fucking Targaryens. Well, at least she’s just using fire to cast shadows and not to burn people. It’s better than her father. [ _looks at Satin_ ] Alright, you’ve bathed and shaved, your hair looks presentable. [ _brushes Satin’s shoulders_ ] Don’t forget to stand up straight, and smile. We need these dragons, got it? 

**Satin** : [ _Nods_ ]

**Jon** : Oh, and tell the Queen you think her name is pretty. At least, that’s what my sister told me to do when I first meet a girl. 

**Missandei** : Next!

**Satin** : [ _steps forward before the Queen_ ]

**Dany** : [ _shakes her head_ ]

**Missandei** : Next!

**Satin** : [ _mouths “sorry” to Jon_ ]

**Jon** : [ _steps forward before the Queen, takes a deep breath_ ].

**Dany** : [ _furrows brow, turns to Dothraki guard_ ] Please move the torch a little to the left . . . now higher . . . stop, right there . . . perfect. [ _stares intensely at Jon_ ]

**Jon** : [ _gulps_ ]

**Dany** : [ _Missandei whispers in her ear_ ] So you’re with the Night’s Watch?

**Jon** : Aye, I’m Lord Commander.

**Dany** : And you protect the giant wall made of ice?

**Jon** : Yes, Your Grace.

**Dany** : [ _continues staring at Jon with pursed lips_ ] Tell me, are you fond of blue flowers?

**Jon** : Can’t say that I am.

**Voice from the crowd** : But your mother was. [ _chattering begins among the men in line_ ]

**Jon** : [ _turns to face the crowd_ ] Who said that? Who knows my mother?

**Random man** : I do. I’m Howland Reed. I was quite fond of her. And you as well, though you did spit up on me a few times and ruined my favorite shirt. [ _smiles_ ]

**The North (Afternoon)**

**Jon** : [ _yelling at Dany while the wind blows through his hair_ ] I don’t think I’ll ever get used to this! The view is incredible!

**Dany** : [ _yelling at Jon_ ] You won’t! It’s not like riding a horse! And just wait until Rhaegal breathes fire! You'll never be the same! [ _face falls_ ] Oh, and Aegon?

**Jon** : Yes?

**Dany** : Can you check on Satin?

**Jon** : You alright back there?

**Satin** : [ _clutching onto Jon and shaking_ ]

**Jon** : Just remember what I told you, keep your eyes closed, don’t look down, and before you know it, we’ll be at the Wall. 

**Satin** : [ _eyes shut tight_ ] I think I dropped my comb.

**Jon** : Do you want to land and look for it? [ _starts laughing_ ]

**Satin** : Fucking Targaryens.


	3. Long Crack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In honor of Georgia’s recent election results (both presidential and senatorial), I wanted to honor my state with its own ASOIAF Tin-Foil/Tin-Fawl theory and crack fic: "It All Comes Down to a PEACH."
> 
> Names are important to George RR Martin. And no name is as important as his own. As George is an American, he would clearly find inspiration in the state whose name is most like his own: Georgia. And what is Georgia? The Peach State. Thus, peaches will clearly play a deciding role in ASOIAF. (Irri: “It is known.”)

**It All Comes Down to a PEACH**

So, Stannis and Dany have this epic confrontation after Dany lands in Westeros and kicks (f)Aegon’s ass: The Mannis vs. The Mhysa. (Cersei is already dead by the way. She was killed by Jaime while he muttered “Moon Boy” over and over.)

What is something Stannis hates? Incest. After all, the false king Joffrey was a bastard born of incest. So clearly, Stannis is not a fan. Well, who else is a product of incest? Our lovely Queen, of course. This fact makes Stannis begin to grind his teeth as he stares at her during their parley.

What is something else Stannis hates? Not being king. After all, it is his duty to become king with the death of his elder brother. And if he can’t be king, it means he can’t do his duty, which would displease Stannis greatly. Obviously, Dany is trying to prevent Stannis from doing his duty by claiming that she is the rightful Queen. In addition, one key piece of Stannis’s plan to become king is for a certain broody bastard to be legitimized a Stark and become Lord of Winterfell so Stannis can have a northern ally. He even offered the lovely Val as an incentive. However, Dany ruined that by legitimizing the bastard as a Targaryen, marrying him under a weirwood tree, and then spending their wedding night on a boat. Val is sad, but Stannis does not feel sorry for her. He only feels sorry for himself that the Mad King’s daughter is trying to keep him from his kingly duty, and so he grinds his teeth even harder in indignation.

But what is the thing that Stannis hates worst of all? You guessed it: PEACHES. Now, unbeknownst to Stannis, Dany knows all about how unnerved Stannis gets around peaches—due to Renly mocking Stannis with one during their ill-fated parley—courtesy of Lady Stoneheart.

(By the way, that’s a whole other thing. You see, before Stannis and Dany's parley, flippin' Lady Stoneheart showed up out of nowhere and met with Jon, Dany, and the surviving Starks (even ‘ole Rickon lives in this AU because I’m that kinda guy). Jon straight up "noped" out of there, but Lady Stoneheart eventually reconciled with Jon and apologized for how she treated him all those years. This was like, super sweet, and meant a lot to Jon. But then she said that he could call her “Mother,” which sort of made things awkward. Jon was just like, “Ah, alright, Lady Stark,” and Lady Stoneheart’s face fell because she realized that things weren’t just going to magically get better but that she’d like really have to put in the work to repair their relationship. And later, Dany was all like, “Jon, you should go easy on her, she’s really trying here, and like, as far as zombie apologies go, her’s was pretty good.” And then Jon was all, “Well, I’m a zombie and I could’ve done better.” And then Dany was all, “Yeah, but you’re not a zombie-zombie because you were in Ghost the whole time, and I wouldn’t have sex with you if you were a zombie-zombie, that’d be weird.” And Jon was like, “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”)

But anyways, back to Stannis. So, Dany uses psychological warfare (courtesy of her Lady Stoneheart intel) and whips out a peach and just starts going to town. Now, of course this triggers painful memories for Stannis, who starts grinding his teeth like he has never ground them before. In fact, he grinds them so hard that they produce a frequency which makes the Wall fall. (Don’t make that face, it’s completely plausible. Ok, maybe it's not "plausible," but it's definitely "pWALLsible.")

Anyways, so the Wall falls, and of course the Others come pouring through. Stannis stops grinding his teeth and goes to be the hero and save Westeros from the Others. But because his sword is fake, he dies. It’s all very tragic. (And really, Jon shouldn’t have said, “Azor Ahai? More like Azor Goodbye. Am I right?” It was really in poor taste and would’ve made Ned Stark frown. But Dany giggled anyways.)

But then Dany and Jon hop on their dragons and start incinerating ice demons. Now, unlike in the show, in this AU, dragon fire kills both wights and walkers (which sorta makes sense because Dany hatching the dragons was probably R’hllor/The Universe's answer to the Others’ threat. After all, the only way to defeat ice is with fire).

“Oh no,” you say, “what about the third dragon?” Well, don’t worry, the dragon has three heads because Val is a secret Targ who will bond with the third dragon. “How?” you ask (while making that face again). Well, you see, Maester “Love is the death of duty” Aemon was speaking from personal experience. When he was in his 40’s he became enamored with a wildling girl and fathered a few bastards with her. And, well, Targs-gonna-Targ, so those bastards had kids with each other, and so on, until Aemon’s great granddaughter was born: Val. And what would make Maester Aemon break his vows? You guessed it: a nice, juicy, wildling … PEACH.

**Author's Note:**

> So, I think the universe wants me to leave the Jonerys fandom. Everything was fine until I began writing "Only Jon." I had never written fiction before, but wrote a chapter on a whim. It was only supposed to be a one-shot, but a few folks asked me for some more chapters, so I delivered. This was a big mistake. I eventually decided to do 6 chapters. One of the main ideas that I had was that Jon and Dany would each endure a canon trauma in a non-canon way. Jon was murdered and resurrected. No one cared. Dany was raped (off page), and holy shit, the comments. I was told "fuck off," "fuck you for subjecting rape survivors to this shit, I regret ever reading it," that my writing was "lazy," etc. I had the same people make multiple comments about how bad my story was (one comment apparently wasn't enough). Ultimately, I had way more negative comments than positive ones for that chapter. How is that even possible when my story was good and wasn't written to troll anyone? Well, I found a way. 
> 
> So, I was pretty sad about this and orphaned my fic (despite having one chapter to go). Someone on discord asked why I orphaned my fic, and I explained. I expected to get some sympathy, because, you know, I assumed they would adhere to "don't like don't read." Well, I was incorrect. No sympathy. I learned that the rude comments were to be expected since I wrote about rape. Apparently, this should almost never be done since it is a bad "trope" and a "shitty" thing to write about. But I'm writing fan fiction based on a book with lots of murder, rape, assault, mutilation, etc.? I assumed I could incorporate those things into my fic? Plus, I had Jon murdered in the first chapter, and no one seemed to care? That's when I learned that rape is actually worse than murder. So, while it's ok to write about murder ad nauseum in your fic, no rape. Anyways, while it was interesting to learn about discord's extreme dislike of rape in fan fiction (and they were definitely coming from a good place in trying to educate me), it kinda bummed me out that no mod actually spoke out against rude comments (like, you know, being cursed at). Instead, it was like a blame-the-victim kinda thing. So, I left discord.
> 
> I ultimately reuploaded my fic and added the last chapter. Then I took some time off from fics. But then, like an idiot, I decided to give it another try. So, I created a tumblr. This was stupid. Tumblr has a reputation. I know about its reputation. But, I did it anyways, and I only have myself to blame. I was posting mostly little jokes and musings, and typically getting only a few likes, if any. It was mainly like my version of Creed Thoughts. I would tag things, but I didn't realize that it was common to follow certain tags. I just assumed people would see the postings of the people they followed, and since I didn't have many followers, I assumed most people wouldn't see my posts. 
> 
> So, a little over a week into my Tumblr journey, I remembered some reddit discussions about modern vs canon fics. One person said they preferred canon fics because modern fics were really just Jon and Dany (or whatever character) in name only. While I wouldn't go that far, I also prefer canon fics because of the interesting power dynamics that are so foreign to our own. So, I wrote a little post titled: Hot Take, Canon Fics are Better than Modern Fics. But, of course, in the actual body of the post, I clarified that there are many well-written modern fics and talented modern fic authors, and that though I subjectively prefer canon fics, it's a good thing there are so many different varieties of fics to satisfy various reader tastes. I thought this was a sensible, non-controversial thing to say. 
> 
> I was wrong. Because the universe wants me to leave the fandom (obviously), my post was put right next to a modern fic on the Jonerys tag (to this day, I've never actually clicked on the Jonerys tag, but apparently it occurred since someone screenshotted it for posterity). The author of this modern fic was rightfully upset, and thought that I had specifically targeted her fic. This wasn't true. I didn't even know she had written a fic. I'm just an idiot who doesn't know how to tag properly. But, I quickly learned that she wrote a response where she heavily insinuated that I had targeted her fic with my "pretentious" post. And her response got liked and reblogged a ton of times. So, I've only been on Tumblr a week, and now everyone thinks I'm a pretentious jackass who targets other people's fics. So, that's fun. I tried to set the record straight, but I don't think anyone really gave a shit. So, since first impressions are important, and mine was so lousy, I decided it'd be better for me to leave Tumblr. And, since I can't seem to stop making people within the fandom angry with me, I figured it'd be best to just leave the fandom altogether. So, yeah . . .


End file.
